Naruto: A True Deception Ninja
by matt020388
Summary: The Sandaime has revealed to Naruto a ninja's greatest strength: deception. However, most great ninjas deceive even themselves. Naruto twists the words of advice into pretending he's off his rocker to everyone he meets, like a certain Lovegood sometimes.
1. Deception Takes Many Forms

Too often Naruto is an open book, blurting out what he wants and vying for attention. Most often, he is more canonical, and wears a slight mask, but he's truly an outgoing, optimistic person; trying to spread his true self to the world. Now, how 'bout the dark, secretive Naruto? Well, he strongly exists in several realities too, but usually cracks out of his shell. The times he doesn't, well…Konoha usually suffers.

This is all besides the point, and just an intro to this idea, maybe it has been done before…

**Naruto, a True Deception Ninja** (or Looney Naruto…I'd have to change some things, but it would be appropriate) I DON'T OWN NARUTO and hopefully this hasn't been done before.

Naruto bounded happily into Iruka-sensei's class. _'Now he's a sensei that was meant to teach.' _Naruto had tried several times, as with any of the numerous academy teachers they had, to get the man fired. Don't worry, Iruka resisted the bait, even recovering from the sexual harassment lawsuit during his Oroike no Jutsu (Sexy Technique) creation testing.

Speaking of Iruka, he smirked as he saw Naruto sit next to an outwardly aloof Uchiha Sasuke. _'I wonder if Naruto's planning anything, or just psyching him out.'_ Naruto had built quite the reputation in Konoha, or more accurately, several dozen.

--

**Flashback**

--

The Hokage was visiting the orphanage for a specific reason today, to check up on little Uzumaki Naruto, just turning 6 years old. It had been difficult to make sure that his caretakers taught him the basics of reading, writing, and math. The aging man still couldn't believe the lingering, misplaced hatred.

"Hello Naruto-kun, how are you doing?"

The young boy looked up from his textbook, "Studying is so boring Jii-san! The symbols play tricks on me!"

"I'm sure they do," the Sandaime chuckled, "Now, would you like me to tell you a story?"

Sarutobi smiled as the boy threw his book on his bed and stared at him. He knew that he was influencing the boy's future to become a ninja, but because of what Naruto held inside him and the boys own temperament, he always told him stories of ninjas saving princesses and defeating the bad guys. He always mentioned that Naruto could become a ninja someday after he finished. Maybe it was time for a more realistic story…

The other kids didn't know the hokage and ninja way of life enough to overcome their dislike of the blonde and listen to the story too. Sarutobi sat on the bed and began to weave a story of a great ninja team. One kunoichi losing her happiness, in the midst of war, despite her abilities. Another goof, who became great and taught the greatest, but was alone and, yet, the happiest of out his team, even if it wasn't much. The third member was great ninja, who deceived Konoha and himself out of happiness, when he could have been the greatest; his name was Orochimaru.

Now, of course he greatly censored the story and noticed something while he spoke, "Now do you know the greatest power of a shinobi?"

"Jutsus? (Techniques) Breaking thru boulders with your fist? I know!"

"No, you probably do not, but it's a subtle thing to those who have not experienced it: deception."

"Huh?"

"I taught the team I just told you about Naruto." "Sugoi! (Awesome!)" "That being said, I believe I understand them, but only after it was too late to do something. Tsunade and Orochimaru were both used to having a life and career full of successes, one being practically royalty and the other being a certified genius. Jiraiya worked hard to meet his goal and become successful, but was constantly rejected because of his vice."

"Vice?" "He was a pervert, and not discrete about it at all. Now continuing…" "You keep going on and on Jii-san…"

"Then I'll summarize the rest and let you get to bed. When something wrong happened to Tsunade and Orochimaru, they reacted badly because they had deceived themselves into believing it couldn't happen. A ninja's greatest weapon is to make other's believe they are something else, Orochimaru pretended to be a loyal ninja to advance his research. Tsunade pretends to be a young woman, to live in the past and ..._ 'hustle drinks and money from men…' _stuff. Jiraiya goes around the world as a perverted author and bath peeker, but his actions have hidden meanings as….WAKE UP!"

"Huh? I'm listening," chibi-Naruto rubbed his eye.

"Sigh, I leave you with a piece of advice each time I visit Naruto. This is going to be my last visit before you get an apartment of your own with a separate caretaker."

"Awesome!"

"So listen well, a good ninja will be able to deceive their enemies into believing something, a great ninja can deceive all others, a true ninja can deceive everyone without deceiving themselves. Naruto, remember that just because a ninja **can**, doesn't mean they should. People don't need to be truthful to themselves, but I believe they are stronger if they do."

Naruto stared at the old man, "Ok…." He understood most of that.

"Just get a good night's rest."

--

**End Flashback**

--

Iruka chuckled when the Uchiha's eyebrow twitched in annoyance. Yep, Naruto was suprising. If you followed him down the street, you could see a cascade of different personalities.

--

Naruto had taken the Sandaime's words to heart, but his cheerful (sometimes) twist to things made him seem crazy. The boy decided to act different around different people; he would be normal to Jii-san and other nice people if they wanted them to, but the average person was in for a surprise. He had been hurt emotionally before, and deception sounded like the perfect thing for him to use. Plus he would be an awesome ninja this way.

He greeted shopkeepers while speaking in a code of jibberwash, asking where their Crumple-Horned Snorcacks where, only to relinquish himself into getting some groceries. The same grocer had charged him extra earlier in life, but forgot to get his revenge on the fox and was almost convinced that it had given the boy brain damage.

A few of the parents leading children rushed the other way from him, Naruto believed giving children fingerpaints and smokebombs were a good thing. Of course, to do so he stopped in the street, and spoke in a monotone, robot-like voice, "Oh no, I have dropped these fun and fantastic toys, but can not be bothered to pick them up…" Then he would skip away and do two cartwheels, always two.

There were lots of other rumors to, ranging from insulting housepets for tarnishing his family's honor to what he did to the villagers who called him a demon or other insults. The blond didn't know the reason why they tried to call him those things, but Naruto simply acted like a dog, and bit the villagers in the ass. Some tried to say it was an attack of a demon, but didn't get far as the ass isn't a vital point for someone to attack. Still, no one wants bitten on the ass.

But to anyone Naruto had bitten, afterwards he was very kind to them: offering to carry their bags, asking how their children are doing, the pin on their bank account…you know, the usual pleasantry people exchange.

At Ichuraku's Ramen, he was the most snobbish of anywhere, at least in tone.

"I shall pay for this dastardly ramen, which has murdered my appetite with its deadly taste. Oh woe is me. Now wench Ayame, get me another bowl before I'm bewitched by your presence," a young Uzumaki said using his best Sasuke impression.

The ramen stand had a good relationship with Naruto: they could get him to shut up if they wanted, and sometimes did. But when the boy was on his last bowl, always, "What is this? This feeling…It's heaven on earth! I've been cured! Woohoo! You guys are the best! Come everyone, taste the best Ramen in the world, I beg of you! If it can get me to shut up, think of the possibilities!"

Naruto also took the time to take note of certain civilians and shinobi and made personas just for them. (A/N: Omakes at end for various people)

--

'_Where are those girls, probably still fighting over Sasuke?' _ Iruka wondered as he looked at the Haruno and Yamanaka spots on the roll call sheet. Class had not started yet, but they were usually Sasuke-watching by now. Speaking of which…

"I'm telling you, as the last remaining Uchiha, you need to do a proper assessment over your holdings. How else are you going to know how big to build your harem? Girls are expensive you know, I suppose you could be cheap and go male, but there's zero future in that. Guys don't grow vaginas."

Even Sasuke sputtered at that and Naruto knew he had the class's attention, especially the two girls that had just busted in.

'_Did he just say what I think he did?' _Ino and Sakura thought at the same time. They both were more than wary around Naruto, even if he had been mostly normalish to his classmates. Maybe it was his way of dealing with being the dead last.

"What are you talking to Sasuke-kun about Naruto?" Sakura asked.

Naruto adjusted to a regal voice, "I was informing Uchiha-sama that he needs an accurate account of his holdings in order to form a proper harem Ino-hime (princess), Sakura-hime. As his banker (he wasn't), I would also like to know the dowries you shall be bringing into the Uchiha estate. He is not, as commoners would say, a cheap lay."

Ino and Sakura blushed as fantasies of being married to Sasuke played in their imaginations….

"_Oh Sasuke-kun, we're alone at last." "Sasuke-kun, I'm so glad we got married."_

"…" "_What are you doing here Ino-pig?" "What? Me? What about you?"_

_Sasuke laid back on a giant pillow with the Uchiha emblem, "Please, girls. I'm more than man enough for the both of you, and my other five wives. Now warm each other up, it will please me." _

"_WHAT?!"_

The girls broke out of their reverie, it had lasted only a second, and jumped apart like the ground was lava, a game Naruto also enjoyed during detention.

"Now that you two are here, we can begin the exams…" Mizuki began.

--

Naruto sat on the swing, pumping his legs as hard as he could, trying to see if he could flip over the top of the branch that supported it. So he had failed, he was disappointed and upset with the rest of the graduates, but congratulated them nonetheless. _'Sigh, stupid bushin, I could do so much with that technique.'_

In class, he was definitely the dobe, despite his best efforts to succeed. In a fair fight he would usually lose, but after learning henge and some experience, he could when several fights through deception, despite his poor head-on skills.

He remembered meeting Iruka in class the first time. The class had gone through two teachers that year before him, all whom got in trouble because of Naruto.

--

**Flashback**

--

"Greetings class, my name is Umino Iruka and…" "DADDY!"

Iruka had been standing at the front of the room when Naruto pounced on him, "DADDY! YOU'RE BACK! You said you were going out for a pack of cigarettes and didn't come back right away. Momma said you were gone, but I always believed!"

Mortified, Iruka tried to shake the orange demon off his leg, _'Damn it, they told me it wasn't his class I'd be substituting for. I asked the superintendent the question directly: "Is the Uzumaki-kid in this class?" and she said, "No, now get to work." Great, now the kids are laughing at me…inner prankster…rising…'_

"…and I prayed for you every night! Now we can be a happy family again!" _'Heh, how long will you last, new sensei?'_

"I wish it were so Uzumaki, but I'm Iruka's evil twin by the same name, Iruka," Iruka smiled as a shocked Naruto let go of his leg.

'_What? …ohohoho, finally: a challenge,' _Recovering quickly and adopting to the suave spy persona, "Ah, my evil uncle: Umino "Bastardo" Iruka, so we meet at last. Where have you hidden my family jewels? I miss them dearly."

Some people in the class started to turn red from laughter. "I have hidden them in a vault, whose location can only be determined by listening to my communiqué, or lectures if you will, and doing your schoolwork properly."

'_Clever, but…' _"So you say, but I have ways of making you speak. Including my trusty paintbucket, Sam."

"I knew you would say that Naruto-chan," Iruka taunted, "but any attack on my person will activate the explosives and crush your jewels into powder. Now class, let's begin with a lecture on Konoha's infrastructure…"

'_Damn, touché Iruka-sensei, but it has just begun,' _Naruto smiled and opened his notes, pretending to try and decipher the hidden messages…_'Sa…su…ke…pi…cks…his…no…se?… __Sa…ku…ra…is…a…na…tu…ra…l…bru…ne…tte? __Na…ru…to…has…iss…ues? wait, what?'_

--

**End Flashback**

--

Naruto did a flip off the swing and started bowing to the imaginary crowd, "Please, you're all too kind…Mizuki-sensei?"

"Hey there Naruto. I hope you're not too upset with Iruka, he's just following the rules."

"I know, I just suck at bushin," Naruto turned around; he would go sulk for a while and get it out of his system, maybe visit Jii-san if he had the time.

"Yes, you do. But did you know there's another way to become genin?" Mizuki grinned as the fox took the bait and turned back.

--

"Hey Jii-san, can I borrow the forbidden scroll for a moment?" Naruto pouted and tried to do his best puppy eyes. Sometimes the direct approach was the best; Mizuki was strange as it was. Naruto remembered the glares that came when the man thought he wasn't paying attention. _'Maybe he has multiple personality disorder?'_

Sarutobi rolled his eyes, "Why would you need it Naruto?"

"Because Mizuki-sensei said if I could steal it from you and hide in training forest 5…or was it 12? Meh, that I would graduate."

Needless to say, the Sandaime snapped to attention as Naruto continued, "And to think, I thought he secretly hated me for no reason."

"Hm, are you sure he secretly disliked you Naruto?" the old ninja asked.

"Pretty sure," Naruto slumped a little and became…normal, "he's glared at me a couple times during my episodes, but I guess it could be something different."

'_Hm, true, but I can't overlook telling a student to steal the scroll to graduate. Naruto's assumption/observations are pretty accurate when people don't think he's paying attention or playing around. If only he spent more time on schoolwork and chakra control than making his fake personas and reputations…'_

_'I worry he goes too far sometimes.' _"Well Naruto, I have some news to tell you, but first: how did you think you were going to steal the scroll?"

"Like this: Oroike no Jutsu (Sexy Technique)!" Naruto giggled in his bosomed form and watched as the man fell over with a nosebleed. Telling someone the truth and then doing it anyways was sometimes the best tactic.

Hours later (think about how long Naruto could stay hidden from real ninjas, and then how long he had to practice (3 hours?)) the third hokage awoke, sufficiently recovered from blood loss. _'Naruto! Where did he say he was going? 5 and 12 are close areas on the west side, so Naruto went to the east somewhere on the other side of the village. Time to use that crystal ball.'_

Sarutobi quickly found Naruto making some half dead shadow clones next to a shack in the woods. One of the clones was pretty close, only missing a head.

--

"Hey Iruka-sensei, you're early! I only learned one technique," Naruto had somehow ended up covered in dirt and unzipped his jacket.

"Naruto, is this a joke? Or one of your "unique viewpoints" as you call them? That's the forbidden scroll."

"Iruka-sensei, of course I know this is the forbidden scroll. This is not a joke either," Naruto swept some of the dirt off his clothes and rolled up the scroll. "Mizuki-sensei said if I took the scroll, I could become a genin. I decided to take a peak on my own. I wasn't so sure about Mizuki-sensei, but I decided to give him a shot at least."

"And I'm glad you did," Mizuki appeared in one of the trees, "Now give me the scroll."

"Naruto don't!" Iruka shouted.

"Hm, not until I get my ninja headband thingy…" Naruto said in a teasing tone, strapping the scroll on his back.

"Then die demon!" the traitor threw a large shuriken at Naruto, who tried to dodge.

Iruka had stepped infront of Naruto and shielded him from a blow that would have punctured his right side, "Naruto…"

"Why do you protect him Iruka? When he was the one to OW! My ASS! Damn you!" Naruto had bitten Mizuki in the ass and dispelled when the giant shuriken was thrown into his head.

"No stupid speeches in the middle of battle," the real Naruto stepped back from Iruka the meat shield. "Now watch my new awesome move Iruka-sensei! Taiju Kage bushin (Mass Shadow Clones)!"

The small clearing was filled to the brim with orange jumpsuits, in the trees, on the rocks, under the rocks, surrounding Iruka and Mizuki.

"Now Iruka, you might want to close your eyes. Oroike no Jutsu and Henge everyone!"

Mizuki paled and pulled out his kunai. This was not going his way. Half of the clones were busty women of all appearances, some were definitely the women he perved about. The other half of the clones appeared to be different ninjas of the village and he thought he sensed that some of the trees were actually several clones. The only thing they had in common was they were closing in on him and he didn't stand a chance.

"Hmph, you can open them now Iruka-sensei," Naruto said somewhat amused.

The clones had stripped the man of all his clothes and pulled out all his body hair, leaving a few blood spots.

"Wow…um, good job Naruto, you caught a traitor," _'And he can make clones now…I guess that could make him a genin.' _"Come here so I can put this on you."

Naruto grinned like a maniac and let Iruka put on the hiate for him, "Thank you Iruka-sensei! Thank you thank you thank you!"

"Easy now, I'm injured you know," Iruka chuckled and started to walk Naruto back to the village with Mizuki over his shoulder, "You can wear that until I convince Hokage-sama to let you keep it."

--

A/N: Review if you want to. I don't know if I'll continue it, but if you want to take it, I'll tell you more of my ideas for different habits and battle strategies of Naruto.

--

**OMAKES YAY!**

--

Naruto meets Gai!

--

"Yosh! Young Uzumaki-san, what are you doing this wonderful day in the springtime of youth!"

Naruto stared at this man, he was covered in green spandex, a vest, orange leg and wrist bands, with a bowl cut and super large eyebrows. How the hell could he deceive this man, who had obviously tricked everyone into believing he was a green clown with questionable facilities? Poor Uzumaki didn't know this was the true Gai…

"Ummm…." _'I'll try to pretend I'm him, which unnerves most people…' _"Yosh! I'm here to train my flames of youth!"

Gai wept open tears at this beautiful proclamation, "Then we shall do laps around Konoha, while I tell you about the strength of the flames of youth!"

"Yosh! But what about my clothes, I am not dressed for such vigorous training!"

"Never fear young one, for I have this, a training suit that shall increase your vitality!"

Naruto quickly changed, muttering to himself the things he would do to keep up his personas, "OK, henge!" poof

Gai tilted his head and looked at the young lad as the smoke dispersed. "Most excellent! Now follow me as we fuel the flames of youth with our passion! One of the most important things when training is…"

Naruto chased after him and went with the flow, it could be worse. He now sported huge square eyebrows, a bowl-cut, and leg warmers of his own! Repeating the various words the strange man said seemed to get his approval.

The day went by quickly until it was noon and Naruto 'sadly' said farewell. "I'll remember the teachings of youth Gai-sensei!"

Naruto hugged the man and left to get some ramen, waiting till he was far out of sight to release the henge and change back into his jumpsuit. _'This spandex will come in handy for disturbing some of the ninjas who know Gai, I wonder if I can find this Kakashi fellow?'_

Meanwhile, Gai wept tears of joy! "Yosh, teaching is so rewarding, I must apply for a team of my own! And then I will have another cute protégé in the flames of youth!" Gai didn't admit it to himself, but he was a sucker for flattery and the thought of a team of mini-Gai's filled him would be the best thing ever! He could picture them now, protecting the Leaf and saving the world. Other countries would forget about the copy-nin and yellow flash, all being replaced by the most powerful Gai-style ninja: "beware the green spandex" they would all say.


	2. Cthulu’s My BFF

!#&()+()&#!

Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto, or else no chakra left would mean NO chakra left.

Speech: "Crumple-Horned Snorcacks taste good with mustard," Naruto told Icharaku.

Thought: _'Or maybe a side of small child…' _Naruto thought.

Emphasis or etc. **Naruto doesn't know about the Kyuubi, yet :) !!OMAKES AT END!!**

Chapter 2: Cthulu's My BFF

A week had passed for the academy graduates, it was the village's way of congratulating the genins on passing the initial exam. On the wicked side of it, it was also the last bits of freedom the kids would have if they did pass, because their life belonged to the village first if they passed. Naruto had sharply awoken in the middle of the night after dreaming of this realization.

"NOOOO! My childhood is over! I'm going to work for the next 40 years, if I'm lucky, and then retire!" Naruto screamed out loud, sweating in panic. _'What am I doing? In a civilized culture this would be child labor and abuse!' _

Fortunately for the plot, Naruto got a class of water, drank it, and fell back asleep. He conveniently forgot all about this little episode and dreamt of tricking the bad guys and super jutsus.

The next day, Naruto woke up and looked around wearily, _'Why did I wanna wake up early again…Graduation! Man, I have so much to do!'_

Picking up some of the empty ramen cups on the way to the kitchen, he threw them in the trash and started his breakfast of even more ramen and milk. A few tense minutes later, the water was boiling for the instant mix.

Naruto pulled out a scroll and made some marks. Despite what some people thought, pretending to be crazy, especially so many types, took some basic planning. Naruto had to keep his stories consistent for some people, and always changing for others, _'Let's see, I've scared away Konohamaru for life, or at least until he realizes the Hokage does not have to change the elderly ninja's diapers. Thank you kage bushin and henge.'_

Naruto skimmed past some of the local merchants and his landlord until he reached Iruka-sensei's spot, _'Hm, I could stop bothering him, but where would the fun in that be? I guess he gets a "pass" for this week for the Mizuki incident.'_

Taking another sip of his milk he got to his classmates, he could only give so many people personal attention, but now that number was cut down because of the exams. _'Maa, I guess I can make up some basic scenarios for the probables.' _Probables meant the people that were most likely to be affected or talk to him.

'_Akamaru…skip, he's good. Abrume Shino, the challenge. Hm,' _Naruto had become quite adapt at figuring the right approach to people, but some took longer to figure out than others, _'I guess I can't approach him, maybe something out loud about the cockroaches making me their queen…'_

'_Akimichi Chouji, maybe I can finally survive a fat comment with kage bushin…but it seems a waste, skip. '_

'_Haruno Sakura, I'll make it up as I go. Standard royalty sarcasm. Have to be consistent.'_

'_Hyuuga Hinata, the Ultimate Defense…man, she turns red and faints if I begin to talk to her, I can't get enough time to get in any. But no longer!' _"BWAHAHAHA!"

Meanwhile, a person by the name of Yamako Motogawa, Naruto's neighbor below, cursed in his sleep and put in a set of earplugs, purely reflex by this point, _'Damn insane kid.'_

'_Inuzuka Kiba, man. Too easy, cheesy merchant with dog care products this time.'_

'_Nara Shikamaru. Ummm, where's that photo of his mom? Ah, good enough.'_

'_Uchiha Sasuke. I continue to be his assistant; damn I wish I had thought of something else when I began this.'_

'_And Yamanaka Ino, she enjoys the princess approach too much, but it's worth the protection from within the Uchiha fanclub. And she'd kill me if I treated her worse than Sakura,' _Naruto shivered, remembering his initial confrontation with rabid fangirls.

"Well, that's it mister Bobo," Naruto grabbed his jacket from the hook next to the door and a potted plant named Mr. Bobo, "MY MOTHER WAS NOT A GERBIL! AND WHAT IS ELDERBERRY ANYWAYS? GOODBYE SIR!"

--

Naruto left a kage bushin outside the academy and went in, slipping past the riffraff to Iruka's classroom. He was always there about 20 minutes early for all his classes, how else could he reach his extended audience? Not many people showed up early anymore for some reason…But, today was an exception, _'Wow, a lot of people are already here? Cool!'_

The students expressions were one of confusion, didn't the dobe (dead last) fail? They weren't safe?

"Sasuke-san," Naruto approached Sasuke at his desk.

Said boy barely held in a groan, and clenched his fist, _'Just keep it in, don't talk to the dobe and make it worse.'_

Naruto smiled, "I see you must be excited for graduating at the top of your class, just don't forget I need a statement for the press. Also have you made an assessment of your holdings like I requested. It seems the bank has forgotten my position as your advisor and I can not retrieve the pertinent data."

A few moments of looking into space outside the window and Sasuke hoped that Naruto would bother someone else. He definitely did not want to mention that he had, in fact, done a reassessment of the Uchiha estate and found that one of the accountants had been skimming off the top.

"Perfect! I would never have thought of a statement like that: Silence. I'll notify the press later that you believe your future success as a shinobi will awe the people of the world into silence."

"Dobe, stop. You are not my assistant, manager, accountant, guardian, agent, public advisor, warden, aide, helper, collaborator, business partner, or anything else. And…"

Next to the entrance, Shikamaru and Choji walked in and took a seat at the top row, one putting his head down on the desk and the other eating a bag of chips. It wasn't meant to be.

"Shikamaru! Wake up!" a dark haired woman entered the room, surprising some of the students.

What was more surprising is Shikamaru bolted awake and looked at the woman in pure, complete fear and confusion, "Mom! What are you doing here?"

"You should know why!" Shikamaru's mother grabbed his ear and turned right as she exited the classroom, her son dragging on the floor. A moment later, a flustered Nara came back into the room to find Naruto mimicking Shino in the row below Choji.

"Naruto, would you like to tell me how you just did that?" Shikamaru labeled Naruto as troublesome beyond anything else, except his mother. Even spending time with Ino was better, he couldn't fathom the energy needed to act so many ways. Of course, he didn't fathom the energy needed for most things either. But Naruto couldn't have MPD (multiple personality disorder), why would they let him be a ninja? Shikamaru didn't rule out the insanity though.

"Do what Shikamaru?" Naruto tilted his head to the side in confusion.

"The impression of my mother just now," the conversation had caught the attention of the class, curious as well.

"Oh that? It was easy…what flavor of chips today Choji?" Naruto replied without missing a beat.

"Barbecue nom nom nom" Naruto was ok in Choji's opinion after he learned fat is a forbidden word, and it was amusing to see Shikamaru unhinged.

"Troublesome…" _'He won't answer…' _Shikamaru gave up.

"Cool," Naruto turned back to Shikamaru and interrupted his return to normalcy, "It was easy because I didn't do it, I can't make clones to save my life, you know that," Naruto spoke slowly, like Shikamaru was a 3-year old.

Shikamaru paused, that was true, '_but then…'_ "I thought only people who graduated would be here…"

"Why would that stop me? You have a lot to learn still baka," Naruto had a Cheshire smile and cartwheeled down to Sasuke again. It had been a good idea to hide his headband for now and the kage bushin outside had followed the lazy boy in. Shikamaru puzzled over the mysterious clone that had scared the crap out of him.

It wasn't much longer until a shy Hyuga in a large white coat walked in and sat next to Shino. _'Naruto…' _Why Hinata liked Naruto was questionable. After her hobby of Naruto watching, she probably knew more faces of Naruto than even Naruto remembers. The courage to be that way to strangers was overwhelming. Unfortunately, Hinata did not rule out Naruto being crazy either.

'_What?' _Hinata looked down on her desk to see… _'Minature Naruto's? Dancing?'_

Indeed a congo line of 3 inch tall Narutos danced towards Hinata, stripping along the way. "Ano…Sh-shino, do y-you see it t-too?"

Shino turned to Hinata and looked at her desk, "I am unaware of what you are talking about, I see nothing on your desk. My kikai bugs do not sense anything either."

"O-ok," Hinata stared at the Naruto's, who had begun to perform circus tricks half-naked. Looking around, everyone else was paying attention to Naruto trying to polish Sasuke's forehead protector. ("Get your own dobe!")

She activated her byakugan to see if it was a genjutsu, it wasn't. One of the henged clones looked at her giant bulging eyes, and gestured for her to lean down. The other clones waited next to the beckoning one and waited for her to get close.

Hinata noticed the chakra pathways in each clone and decided that she may need to get help for her Naruto problem. What would her father think of her going to a psychiatrist? Shino stared at her in confusion as she turned to him for help and gave a slight shrug. _'O-ok, I'll see w-what they want.' _She bent down and blushed at the proximity to even imaginary Narutos.

The clones latched to dangling 'bang fangs' of her hair and shouted in squeaky unison, "GOT YOU!"

"EEEEK!"

Naruto stopped bothering Sasuke and looked at where a Hinata was holding her chest and catching her breath, "You okay Hinata?"

"Ano…yes," Hinata was mortified with everyone watching her, and thankful when Naruto took the moment to steal Sasuke's headband and began polishing while singing a short rhyme. Everyone stared at them instead of her as she laid her head down on the desk.

Sasuke was more than annoyed when Naruto finished and returned his hiate. Naruto just smiled and began to lecture Sasuke on how his appearance was important as it would reflect his status, _'Thank you Shino for playing along…'_

5 minutes to class and Kiba and Akamaru had snuck in. Naruto decided to give them a free pass for now, and finally sat down next to Sasuke, or more appropriately laid across the two other chairs in the row. Sasuke was on the outside edge and was merely glad that the dobe had stopped talking. Until he heard the shrieks of a fangirl race to the room.

"Move it forehead!" "No way Ino-pig!" Sakura and Ino jammed themselves in the doorway, trying to force the other out of the way. "I was here first!" "No, my toes made it in before yours!"

Needless to say, they couldn't resolve their differences before reaching the front row where Sasuke stared out the window, "Naruto. Move. Now."

"Of course Sakura-hime, now watch this trick. Kawarimi!" Naruto switched with Sasuke so the Uchiha was in the middle seat, "This way you can both you and Ino-hime can sit next to him."

Naruto gave a low bow as Ino stole the seat on the left and Sakura took the seat on the right, "Thanks Naruto!" "Thanks!"

'_I will kill you dobe…'_ Sasuke glared straight in front while ignoring the tug-of-war the two girls were playing with him.

"I live to serve, now where to sit, hm…" Naruto tapped his finger to his chin, "I know! Akamaru, my good friend, can I sit next to your pet human?"

"Yip!" "Hey! Not cool man!" Kiba growled as Naruto sat down next to him.

"Akamaru, you really need to train him better, but I have faith in your skills," Naruto sighed and leaned back, "Ah, time for Iruka-sensei in 3…2…1…"

A few people turned to the front of the room and looked for the door to side open, when it didn't Naruto laughed, "Or maybe not…"

--

"Sorry I'm late," Iruka said as he walked in with the rosters, "Now let's get to business. As ninjas of Konoha, you will have…"

40 minutes later and you could tell Iruka was abusing the fact the kids were too excited about becoming ninjas to be bored. Only Shikamaru wasn't paying attention, although he wasn't sleeping. Sakura and Ino held onto the Uchiha while listening, he anticipated his future. Hinata was still as a rock, and Kiba smiled like a madman. Naruto nodded every once and a while, _'Oh come on, you're being cruel Iruka-sensei.'_

"So now I will read the team names and members, in the manner in which they were composed by the Academic Evaluation Committee headed by the Sandaime. Team 1-6 will suck so badly, that their bodies will spontaneously collapse in on themselves….somebody changed my notes…"

After announcing the earlier teams that needed filling in, "Team 7 will be led by Hatake Kakashi, with Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke."

Sakura leapt out of her seat, dragging Sasuke with her, "YES! There is a god! In your face Ino-pig! I got Sasuke!" _'__**AND MAN-SLAVE NARUTO!'**_** Inner Sakura shouted.** Sadly Sakura never took much notice in Naruto's sporadic behaviors, and focused on how she treated Ino and her like royalty.

Sasuke…showed nothing on the outside, _'the part of me Itachi didn't kill, just may have died.'_

Naruto didn't say anything, he was too busy trying to remember if he had met Kakashi. There was something about green spandex training suits and big brows, weren't there?

"Team 8 will be led by Yuhi Kurenai and consists of Inuzuka Kiba, Hyuga Hinata, and Aburame Shino." Hinata was a little sad, but happy of course. So were Kiba and Shino in there own ways.

"Team 9 will self-destruct in 10 seconds. And Team 10 will be led by Sarutobi Asuma, with Nara Shikamaru, Akimichi Choji, and Yamanaka Ino. The rest of the students will be put in production of Soylent Green. Any questions?"

"Self-destruct? How can we BOOM" the plot bunny filled with crack said before dying.

"Any other questions?"

"Why does Sakura get Sasuke and Naruto on her team? It's not fair!" Ino complained, "All I get is a lazy ass and sir eats-a-lot!"

"It's academy tradition to place the rookie of the year: Sasuke, the best graduate of the other gender: Sakura, and the worst ranked graduate: Naruto, on one team. Are there any other questions? No? Then congratulations on your entrance into the Konoha forces and I wish you the best of luck. Your jounin instructors are here to pick you up."

The jounins filtered into the room and called for their teams.

"Hello, I am Yuhi Kurenai, would Team 8 please follow me," a long, dark haired beauty with red-eyes asked. Kiba thanked kami-sama for his hot-sensei and followed Hinata and Shino out.

"Hey, Team 10, let's get some barbecue, follow me," Asuma, a large man with more than his share of arm hair, said. Choji thanked kami-sama for his generous sensei with good taste and was followed by Shikamaru and a peeved Ino.

"Um," Iruka was in an awkward spot fifteen minutes after all of the Jounin had picked up their teams. "I have to go, but feel free to wait here." The academy teacher picked up his papers and dashed out of the room. This was the academy's teachers' time for vacation, since the classes all had a break until the next school session. Iruka had plans to relax at home and catch up on some reading, maybe go out with his coworkers for drinks as well.

"See ya Iruka-sensei," Naruto shouted after the man. _'Now what to do? Sasuke seems dead inside, but he finally convinced Sakura to let go.'_

Sakura was happy to be in her position, next to Sasuke and on his team. If that didn't guarantee her success, what would? After a couple minutes of clinging to Sasuke, she had let go and lost some of her confidence.

Sasuke was being normal Sasuke, thinking who knows what? _'This is a waste of time, I should be training or getting groceries. What do I need? Tomatoes, some noodles, beef, I have enough rice still…' _Contrary to popular opinion, Sasuke didn't brood or train, or think about doing them all the time.

--

Hours Later

--

Naruto was regretting he didn't bring any of his prank supplies. He had thought that a Jounin would at least be on time. He finally figured out who Kakashi was after a lot of time to think. It was rather annoying that the man had hip, cool ways of ignoring his habits. (Omake later) Uknown to him, Sasuke and Sakura were wondering why the blonde hadn't gone insane yet like they had.

A few more minutes past before a chair loudly clattered to the ground, "I can't take this, I'm leaving to get some help or file a complaint!" Sakura shouted, _**'Death to our new Sensei!'**_

"Well Sakura-hime, I happen to agree. Sasuke, are you coming with us? We could fill out some marriage forms for your budding harem at the Hokage tower as well."

"Fine, but I'm not signing anything dobe."

The three students opened the door to find a man leaning against the wall with tall silver hair and a mask that covered the bottom half of his face. He was reading an orange book, "Hm? Yo, Team 7?"

"Yes," Sakura answered for the group. Apparently their sensei was waiting for them. The truth was he had just arrived and was finishing a chapter in his book.

"Well, my first impression of you guys is: 'I could put up with you if I have to.' Meet me on the roof," Kakashi said before shushin'ing away, leaving the three kids staring at where he had been. They had at least come out of the room together, instead as scattered throughout the room like past potential teams.

One impromptu cut scene later, Sasuke emerged on top followed by Naruto and then Saskura. Kakashi was leaning against the balcony rail and smiley-eyed (that upside down u thing he does with his right eye). "Introduce yourselves, likes, dislikes, dreams, and other stuff like that."

"Ano, could you give us an example sensei?" Sakura asked, curious about their new sensei.

"Hm? Hatake Kakashi. I like some things, and dislike others. My dream is my dream. Okay, now you with the pink hair."

'_That's it?' __**'So he told us his name…'**_"My name is Haruno Sakura. I like giggles at Sasuke I don't like Ino-pig. My dream is to squeals at Sasuke."

"Me next! Name's Uzumaki Naruto. I like ramen and messing around with other people's heads. I dislike the time it takes ramen to cook and when I have to bite people in the ass. And I'm going to be Hokage!"

"Hn, I'm Uchiha Sasuke. I like a few things and dislike many things. My drea...future is to kill a certain man and revive my clan."

'_Let's see, a fangirl, crazy ramen boy, and an avenger. This should be painful,' _Kakashi mused, "Nice to meet you. Now the first thing we are going to do is some survival training."

Naruto wondered how good of an idea it was to annoy his new sensei from past experience, "Cool! So why do you wear a mask? It can't be to hide your identity, your hair is enormous and silver, and you have one eye!"

The other two stared at the jounin in contemplation of that insight. Kakashi wasn't as amused at the sidetracked question, "Huh? You say something Naruto? Now this survival training is different that what you've experienced in the academy. There's a 66 percent failure rate and only those who pass can become genins."

"What?!" Sakura and Naruto shouted. Sasuke wasn't pleased either, but kept silent.

Naruto had more to say, "You mean to tell me after failing one exam three times, I have to pass this training exercise as well?"

"Exactly, meet me at training field 7 at 700 hours tomorrow. I have one last bit of advice: don't eat breakfast, you will throw it up," And with the smoke of another teleportation jutsu he was gone.

"Aw," Naruto sighed and turned to his potential teammates, "I had another question. Kakashi-sensei seems rude."

"Look who's talking dobe," Sasuke scoffed. (I like that word)

Naruto looked heartbroken and stared at his other teammate, "Sakura-hime, am I rude?"

"Huh? I don't think so, you've always been nice to me," Sakura looked at Sasuke, who was in disbelief, "but maybe a little to some other people apparently."

"Really? Well I can accept that. Jii-san also said I should tell you guys something," the blonde thought back to their discussion after the Mizuki incident.

"Well dobe?" an annoyed Sasuke prevented a flashback.

"Yep, he said that I should be myself around you guys. Something about driving myself insane or the sort. I think the Nargles may have gotten to him… So I guess you should know that I don't really like Sasuke. You need to lighten up man, you've only laughed once that I remember." Sasuke 'hn'ed' and looked away, knowing full well that it was before the massacre.

"And Sakura, you're very very pretty," Sakura blushed at Naruto's words, "but I don't know what you see in Sasuke besides the handsome, loner thingy."

'_**Wha? Man-slave isn't a man-slave? Damn it!' inner **_Sakura was kind of shocked by the revelation. _'but Sasuke-kun is awesome…'_

"But I've come to like fooling around with people's view of me, so I'll probably act the same way in public. So keep this to yourselves, not that anyone will believe you anyways! Bwahahahaha!" Naruto threw a smoke bomb on the floor of the roof and ran like the wind to Icharaku's for a late lunch, leaving his bewildered teammates behind.

--

A/N: I've changed my view, give me reviews! NOMNOMNOM! Review monster wants reviews! (I've seen some people's stories they threaten to eat you if you don't review, I don't care.)

OMAKE…ideas needed, review them to me or PM, it's quite simple. Think of a basic idea: say Looney Naruto plus Lee plus gullibility plus Harry Potter. The result could be something like this:

--

OMAKES: The first one is mentioned above, there will one more canonical to my story afterwards.

--

Rock Lee and the Shinobi's Scroll of Secrets

--

Naruto, currently fleeing from his admirers, stumbled across a training field littered with craters, kunai, and bandages. Might Gai had just passed his first team 6 months ago and was now training them in the ways of youth! So far only one had adopted the most youthful lifestyle. And with his black hair and tall stature, Rock Lee made his sensei cry at the youth of it all.

Naruto had a few days before the team announcements and was testing things with his kage bushin. After a few minutes of watching Lee loudly declare his weaknesses of not being able to use chakra and replying that he would do whatever Gai-sensei said would make him a good ninja, the blonde got an idea. Recently he had read, _'Yes, I can read dattebayo!(believe it!)' _, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone.

'_Kage Bushin, henge! I am a genius! Bwahahaha!' _Naruto thought before pulling out a scroll and writing a note.

A few moment's later, a white owl circled the clearing and landed infront of a bewildered Lee. "Yosh, what is this?" Lee removed the scroll from the owl's leg and the owl flew off until it vanished. "Gai-sensei!"

"What is it my youthful student?"

"Read this letter an owl just gave me:"

_Dear Lee Rock,_

_You have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We are sorry that we have not been able to contact you before your 11__th__ birthday, but your levels of magic was so large that we registered it as an anomaly. We have spoken with your Hokage and his belief is that it is your body's way of adapting to its lack of this chakra we do not know of. If you wish to attend our institution, you may inform your Hokage as soon as possible and he will tell you further instructions. Enclosed is a list of materials that you are required to bring and can purchase in Diagon Alley if you choose to._

_Hogwarts Deputy Headmistress,_

_Minerva McConagall_

_P.S. Tell the Sandaime to "not harm a young blonde boy," it is the password to activate magic to bring you to England._

--

Naruto had to dash back to the hokage's office window to get there at the same time as a very excited pair of green training suit wearing ninjas gave the letter to Sarutobi. The old man was just about to break the bad news when, another kage bushin owl swooped in with a note.

The Third smiled at the note, _'Maybe I won't have to kill Naruto for screwing with Lee's hopes.' _"Oh, I'll read this aloud. Our deepest apologies to Lee Rock, it turns out that it was an anomaly after all. But do not despair, our measurements confirmed that the combined presence of yourself and a Gai Might created a field of what can only be described as "Youthness" that fooled our sensors. The only other time this had happened was when a wizard named Merlin founded the wizarding world. We can only wish you the best at the bright future you have in front of you."

(A/N: I felt bad for Lee halfway through this, so there. And see, Omake's are easy, they don't have to be hilarious, and amusing is good enough.)

--

Young Naruto Meets Kakashi!

--

It had been a year since Naruto met Gai (last chapter's omake) and Naruto still hadn't found his most unyouthful rival yet. There had been a good reason for that, Kakashi had been in ANBU again and was just now returning to village life. Currently, he was shopping for groceries with one hand on an Icha Icha book.

Naruto had noticed him finally and ran straight at the man for a flying glomp. Before he made contact he noticed that he wasn't getting any closer. Kakashi had picked him out of the air and was holding him with one hand!

"Maa, what do we have here?" Kakashi eye-smiled at this kid, _'Oh, it's Uzumaki. I've been hearing about his antics, driving Gai to take a genin team and spouting Youth more than ever.'_

'_What can I do to throw him off?' _"You must be Kakashi-san, Gai's lover and promoter of bestiality!"

The crowd around the duo stared incredulously at the tall Jounin.

'_Wow, I did not expect this. I guess his caretakers are feeding him crack,' _"Hm? That's news to me."

"Yep, they say a badger buggered your face before you could bugger it. That's why you have a mask."

"Did you say something? I think I forgot to buy toothpaste…"

'_Ignoring me eh?' _"So you don't deny it, at least you don't lie that way."

"Yep, forgot that paste. Hey, when did you get in my grip kid?"

"Great, the cyclops is half-blind and deaf now, a spontaneous condition I bet," _'Thank you Jii-san for the dictionary and thesaurus.'_

"Well run along. Neat, I found a free ramen ticket," Kakashi held up a coupon he had, "but I don't want ramen now and it expires tonight. I guess I'll just throw it in the dumpster."

Naruto jumped around trying to get the ticket, but to the young boy the jounin seemed like a mountain of height. "I'll take it, please!"

"Who said that? Oh, it's you again. Here you go."

One free bowl of ramen later, Naruto realized he was totally owned by the jounin, but at least he got some ramen. Damn Kakashi and his cool, hip ways.


End file.
